Mark Before The Tough Guy	No Pansy Liability Waiver Here

It was so tempting that I had to sign up (last February) and then I planned a nice week vacation in Scotland and England around the race. Okay, so a week in the UK in January isn't everyone's idea of vacationland, but then neither is the Tough Guy.

Here's the blow-by-blow accounting of my race. It'll be a bit long because there ar over two dozen obstacles.

Map Of The Killing Fields

The race starts with The Country Miles - a leisurely-sounding four mile run around the farm that is anything but that. It begins on the top of a hill. They fire off a bunch of smoke flares and at the sound of the cannon, everyone attempts to run. The first bit is downhill through the car park. Several runners ran INTO cars (they smoke got that thick). I just missed a cameraman in my attempts to pass people and not get run over by the horde all around me.

The country miles continue along a muddy track to the far side of the farm where there's a wonderfully steep hill called The Slalom. But rather a typical slalom, this one goes up and down the hill eight times! To add to the adventure, several of the paths are thick with briars and nettles.

Racers On The Slalom Hill	Just A Few Briars To Reckon With

I'd made up a few spots by this time (I'd say about 1200), and after the slalom, I was in the top 100 runners. This was a good thing because long queues happen in the Killing Fields (the obstacle course) and standing in neck deep water waiting your turn doesn't sound like fun! It's a strange perspective to think that anything involving neck-deep 33 degree water DOES sound like fun!

After the slalom, my thighs were screaming. I attempted to run most of it, but the ups were too steep (and high) and the downs were too slippery. Still, it was fun trying and great cheers went up whenever someone (like me) slipped and slid halfway down the slope. I found a nice pace running most of it and power-walking (hands pushing on thighs) on the steeper bits.

After the slalom, there was a bit of a recovery run down to Big Bear Wood. The entrance sign reads Bear pits and traps in here. Beware. We ran a zigzagging course through the woods with five foot high cylindrical straws bales barring our path. After each straw bale fence, there was a long orange twine net that we all had to go under. By long, I mean 50 to 100 feet. I quickly learned that crouching down and backing up is the best way not to get tangled. Getting tangled is really bad because the other runners: 1) overtake you, and 2) step on you to do it - making it very hard to get untangled.

After the Big Bear Wood came the Gurkha Grand National. This bit was truly sadistic. Picture a nice meadow with an (ice cold) creek running down one side. Then picture a large bulldozer that has dug trenches perpendicular to the creek (creating deep ponds and berms of earth). The track went straight down the creek up and down the mounds of muddy earth. In some cases, it was nearly impossible to climb out of the water and up the next mound without help. To top things off (pun intended), the mounds were covered with the annoying orange nets AND briars!

Straw Blockades In Bear Woods	The Nasty Orange Nets That We Went Under
Trenches Across The Trail	The Track Crisscrossing The Creek

Then, the creek channel deepened, so rather than create manmade berms, the course simply crisscrossed the creek. This required everyone to climb down into the creek and then out the other side only to have to immediately go back down into the creek. Truly twisted (also intended).

After that, there was a seven foot high log wall to scale (and a crowd of people watching). I thought the crowd cheered when I fell on the slalom, but I got an even bigger cheer as I ran up to the wall and launched myself towards the top. Well, the top log was a bit slippery, so back down I came on my bum (and into the 12 inches of muddy goop). It probably doesn't need mentioning that mud found in the middle of farm fields isn't actually just mud. Hmmm, what is that smell? Oh, me.

At last after four fun-filled miles, I reached the start of - dum dum dum - The Killing Fields. I think I was in the top 50 at this point, but it was hard to tell. I didn't have any queues to wait in for the entire rest of the course, so there couldn't have been too many people ahead of me.

The Killing Fields

I quickly scaled the first A-frame and then launched myself through the wires. I figured I was safe since I was in long tights and long sleeves. Then, my left arm was touching one wire as my right arm was moving another out of the way of my face. And BLAM. My whole body convulsed. Several things happened at this point. I no longer had to pee (not sure why). I noticed several people crawling under the wires and several others lying in the mud and not crawling- just moaning. And lastly, I felt my legs collapsing under me. I managed to keep my feet and gingerly navigated the rest of the wires using only one arm and touching only one wire at a time. I think all my hair would have been standing straight up at this point except that there was too much mud/shit in it.

The Tiger	It's Electric!

The rest of the course is a bit of a blur but I've reconstructed it using the map of The Killing Fields. At the time, it was just a series of large muddy log structures, nets, ropes, mud, slippery tyres, freezing cold water, muddy tracks, fire, and smoke and more mud.

After the Tiger, we ran through some deep mud (a theme here) over the Scaffold Bridge (K2). Picture a bridge about 4 feet tall with no steps to get onto it or off of it. Then came the Colditz Walls (K3). These are three log walls . five feet, six feet, and seven feet high. I leapt onto the first two walls and vaulted over (getting ever cockier). And then I did a repeat performance from earlier at the high wall . effectively bouncing off of it and back into the mud. So, I humbly used one of the ropes hanging down from the top to get over it. By the way, running into walls hurts.

Obstacle four was called the Behemoth (K4). It's a series of four platforms connected by pairs of ropes. Basically, you walk along one rope while holding another rope above it. In principle, it's not so bad. In practice, it's a lot harder when there are other people on the ropes as well as the fact that the ropes are not level (some go up and some descend).

Colditz Walls	The Behemoth

The last descent of The Behemoth dropped me right into The Battle of Somme (K5) and The Fiery Holes (K6). This obstacle was one of my favorites. Boy, that sounds warped, but it's true. This stretch is a series of water-filled ditches with floating bales of straw in them and a whole bunch of burning bales of straws strewn about. I loved running through the fire and then into the water. I especially loved that I could jump out onto a floating bale (typically a dive landing on my belly as the distance was pretty far. But then, my momentum would cause the bale to float across the second half of the trench of water and I could easily jump to shore. Well, that was theory. It did actually work once. The bottoms of the trenches were very deep with mud and muck.

The Fiery Holes	Fire Walker Mark!

K7 is a boring old Tyre Crawl through a set of 10-12 tyres made into a tunnel. Boring until the far side when it came out into another pit of watery mud (or muddy water though I think it was more like the former).

Next came the Dead Leg Swamp (K8). It felt like a bit of a break as it was just a twisty path through a particularly muddy part of the farm. After the race, I returned there and it had gotten considerably harder due to all the runners that had come through it.

We exited Dead Leg Swamp through the Vietcong Tunnels (K9) . a set of old parallel sewer pipes that were buried a few feet underground. Their fine surprise was that once underground, there was a break in the pipes and of course, a water-filled ditch that you had to cross to reenter another pipe. Not sure how some of the larger competitors made it through these at all as the tunnels are only two feet in diameter.

Then came Paradise Climb (gotta love the names) back up the starting hill to the Sky Walk (K10). The Sky Walk is a series of high nets (with low nets below them for the unfortunates). The end of the Sky Wall is a large pond that we were obliged to cross. I came down a bit too quickly and fell into the water . mouth open. Wow! That was almost as bad as the electrical shock and had me spitting and coughing for the rest of the race.

The Splosh Pool (K11) I don't remember. I suppose it involved muddy water.

Dead Leg Swamp	More Of Dead Leg Swamp
The Vietcong Tunnels	The Sky Walk: Balance Beams Up 30 Feet

I think this is about halfway point but the tougher obstacles were yet to come (I was told). And correctly! K12 is the climax . the dreaded Water Tunnel. Everyone talked about it at the start. One guy in the changing room was putting on a 2mm full wetsuit. Many racers had swim caps. Sadly, I did not. I had a buff wrapped around my head, but it was torn off by some angry briars in the slalom - never to be seen or heard of again.

The Water Tunnel is a set of floating logs tied together and floating in the middle of a pond. Somehow they.ve super cooled the water to minus 40 degrees or something equally insane. We entered the pond at the far end and had to wade/swim out to the log platform. At the edge of the platform, the water is neck-deep. At this point, everyone swims UNDER the logs. There are holes so that you can come up for air.

I arrived and quickly dove under and came up in the first air hole. Rumor has it that true tough guys swim the whole way. I concede. I am not a true Tough Guy. I used all four air holes to make it across. Each time my head went under the water, more of my bodily functions ceased to work properly. First to go was my breathing as my diaphragm had no where to go since all my muscles had contracted and retreated into the recesses of my abdomen. Next to go was my vision. Submersion into muddy water does wonders for the eyes. I have no idea what people with contacts or glasses did. Come to think of it, I don't think I saw anyone with contacts or glasses.

By the third air hole, my arms and legs had seized up making getting to the fourth hole (the end) a monumental task. I think little fishes must have carried me the last bit. As I exited, I believe my mind had now ceased to function. I had the supreme ice cream headache . and no ice cream! I quickly (actually about as slow as snail but I was motivated) waded out of the deep, freezing water and back onto .dry. land . a misnomer at best.

The Brandenburg Wall (K13) was next. I walked the 20 yards up to it to try to recover a bit from the water tunnels. It was a 40 foot high vertical net. I had to climb up one side and back down the other. A marshal told me yesterday that it was unwise to jump from the top, but I have to say, I did think about it. The only thing that stopped me was that I would have sunk waist deep into the mud to become a semi-permanent stepping stone for the 6000-plus tough guys following me.

The fourteenth obstacle is Deux Chevaux Island (K14). It is a small island in a pond that we reached via a series of floating barrel bridges. Not too bad if you.re the only one on the bridge, but with several other racers, the bridges move around a lot. Several racers fell into the pond. They became stepping stones.

Brandenburg Gate: 20 feet tall, no net.	Barrel Bridges: I think there were 5 in all

K15 is the Death Plunge. I was dreading getting back into the water but there it was. Climb up to the 3 meter platform and walk the plank. I know I considered pausing, reconsidered, reconsidered that and while I was muddled in all that, I must have walked off the edge. Before I knew it, I was swimming to the far side.

More barrel bridges followed (The Jesus Bridge - K16) and then Dan's Deceiver (K17). Dan's Deceiver is a vertical cargo net up followed by slanted poles back down - slippery slanted poles. There's a net below them to catch those who manage to fall off with both legs on one side or the other. The poles end just over another muddy pool (The Dragon Pools . K18). We waded through the far side of the pool and then up to a high platform with ropes stretches off of it across the main body of the pool. I attempted to go upside down, head first, with both my hands and feet on the rope . sort of like a muddy calf off to the cook fire. The idea is to pull yourself hand over hand across the water . or at least two thirds of the way across before massive fatigue sets in and you drop into the cold pool below. At least, it was only bout two feet deep where I landed so I quickly turned over. (I didn't manage the catlike maneuver of twisting in the air and landing right side up!).

Next, a nice jog back in front of the Tiger, across Somme Surprise (K19) . a series of narrow planks that span a pond,. This one is one of the easiest obstacles. You just run and don't think about what happens if you fall off the boards. There was a four-foot gap in my path, but I didn't notice it until it was too late, so one forced leap, a bit of luck and I'd made it across- smiling!

Somme Surprise: Flimsy boards across a pond.

K20 was the dreaded Stalag Escape - a 50 foot crawl in a muddy trench with a lattice of barbed wire only 12-18 inches above the ground. It looked harder than it really was, though I heard many .ouch's and .bloody hell's as I crawled through.

Stalag Escape: Mud and barbed wire.

Now it was feeling like the home stretch. First, there was a quick run through the Tyre Torture (K21). At least, I thought it'd be quick. It turned out to be quite lengthy (about 400 meters of randomly placed mounds of tyres. The leading female was just in front of me and she got caught up in the tyres and went sailing. I just managed to catch her by the arm and stop her face plant. A quick .Annie! Annie! Are you okay?. and I left her to extricate herself.

Type Torture: 400 meters of muddy tyres piled high and crooked.

The Pedestrian Bridge (K22) was no problem (you get to run under a bridge full of cheering (jeering?) spectators. I looked up, pumped my arms, and smiled, got a big cheer and promptly tripped and fell into the mud. Glory's just not all it's cracked up to be.

The Anaconda (K23) is just a series (six I think or perhaps thirty-five) of four foot high cement pipes that we all had to vault . not hard if one is fresh, but now, it was difficult not to scrape across each pipe leaving mud and skin behind.

Then, up the last hill - the Green Bank (K24), through a cleansing pool (to get some of the mud off of you) to Yiagra Falls (K25). Yiagra is a steep set of rubber mats with people standing along side spraying clean water on the racers. Again, I think this to help clean the competitors up a bit before they get back to the barn. So, I jumped down onto the slide, landed head first into the pool below, rolled out, and sprinted to the finish.

The Anaconda	Yiagra Falls

I crossed the finish line in 25th place or so . I'm really not sure. It's a great race in that no one really cares what place they finish in. It's all about finishing in one piece. So, I crossed the line, got a medal over my neck, an emergency foil blanket wrapped around me, and a cup of hot tea - to remind me that I was in Britain I expect.

The Sky Walk At Dusk

The race was just fantastic! It was very well-organized and a grand time from start to finish. Everyone should do it at least once! I met some locals who were on their seventh running! It is certainly the mother of all mud runs and obstacle courses. I can hardly wait until next January when I get to start in the front (being a Tough Guy veteran now)!

Mark: Tough Guy 951 It says so on my head!